Muscle Memory
by CarolineInMyMind
Summary: Another kick at the can. Similar territory but a different story than Past Tense, Future Perfect.
1. Chapter 1

Not yet awake, cocooned in thick white linens, she was surprised to feel the weight of an arm across her hip, a hand cradling her middle, a generous warmth pressed against her back and bottom. A surprise, yet so familiar. She opened her eyes slowly, watching blue-grey light filter through thick, mullioned windows and spread across the floor. A pile of clothing on the floor. Her dress. Caroline's.

* * *

"I just want you to understand ... the effect ... you have ... on me." How hard it had been to say those words to her in the Harrogate garden that cold day.

How scared and fragile Caroline had looked despite her effort to pull herself together. How sad and beautiful she was as she tried to avoid saying what she felt for Kate. " ... I do value your friendship." How that had, at last, sounded like honesty.

And then, that brief period of such joy, of truly finding each other, of knowing each other as intimately as it was possible to know another human being. The sheer trust of lying naked with another person and saying, "here, this is all that I have and I am sharing it with you." She thought perhaps those moments with Caroline -when she thought with her heart and with her body rather than her brain- were the most honest and trusting moments she had ever known. With anyone.

* * *

But they weren't enough. Caroline would never trust her heart over her brain. Would never trust flesh on flesh. And after that awful birthday weekend, she would try to apologize; she would again say that she would endeavour not to do that in the future, but really ... how could Kate trust that?

And then, that day in Kate's cottage. It all seemed like vintage Caroline. The beautiful, over-the-top flowers. "I can't say it on the doorstep" - yet another act of cowardice? No, as it turned out. I can't say it on the doorstep because what I'm going to say is truly going to unravel you; I'm going to compare myself to an abusive husband and admit what a callous, selfish bully I have been. And ask for forgiveness.

_No. _

But every fibre of her being wanted to pull Caroline over into her arms, kiss those soft, soft lips and feel the familiar rhythm of their bodies take over.

_Thank you._

And after that, nothing.

* * *

She had felt fear but never like this. She had never come this far, and now it seemed it would all be snatched away. In this cold impersonal room. And then, a familiar cadence of steps. The sound and feel of a body settling, the scent of citrus and spice that had never left her memory, a pair of long, powerful legs folding themselves into the chair next to her. She looked up in disbelief.

And later, reaching for her hand - it was as natural, as automatic, as breathing. She grabbed it and squeezed, and in return a gentle, constant stroke until it was all over and then, embarrassed, she dropped it.

Christ, who can't trust their heart now? Who can't trust flesh on flesh?

* * *

Her eyes as they looked up from the table. The shift from abject misery to question to hope as she herself slowly rose, gripping Kate's hand as if it were a life preserver thrown to a drowning victim. The feel of her cool, papery skin under Kate's reassuring thumb.

The huge sigh just before Kate pulled her into an embrace. Fear? Relief? Eye to eye, leaning in. Kate reaching in to catch her lips but, no. A second thought, another sigh, nothing more than foreheads touching. And then, after the gentlest encouragement, there it was. That mouth, soft and tender, against her own, tenderness eventually giving way to this deeper connection they had, this intimate knowledge of every inch of the other's body. Kate swore she could feel her smile into the kiss.

Silence as the song ended. That same cool hand in hers, this time Caroline leading, walking them off the dance floor, out through the lobby and up the stairs to the room they should have shared all those months ago. Not a word spoken until they were inside and the door was pulled shut.

"I just want you to understand ... the effect ... you have ... on me." Caroline could barely get the words out.

"Tell me," Kate said. "Come and lie down and talk with me."

So she did.

* * *

Warmth stirred against her in the morning light.

"I need you," Kate whispered. "I need to feel you. I need you to ..."

The muscle memory of their lovemaking took over and Caroline pulled Kate up onto her hands and knees, moving behind her, kneeling, slipping one hand underneath to hold her belly and pushing the other against her in a slow, steady rhythm.

No sound except breathing.

Fingers exploring, reaching, teasing, stroking languidly up and down. Kate gently rocking against her. Then a flat palm, rubbing harder and faster on slick, supple skin. A sharp intake of breath. Such a familiar feeling, yet so far away. A primal connection she thought she'd never have again. Yet here it was. Caroline knew this body so well, knew how to make it shiver with pleasure, knew what it wanted and when.

Leaning over Kate's back, kissing it. A whisper. "Now?"

"Yes." One hand still cradling Kate, she entered her slowly, gently, maintaining pressure outside with the heel of her hand.

Again, no sound except breathing. Then a gasp, a groan, as her fingers went deeper, the pressure of her hand more insistent.

An almost imperceptible nod. She drew herself as close as she could against Kate, each movement now harder, faster, deeper until there was nothing but strangled breath, and a long deep moan. This sound, this feeling, this trust. Caroline almost wept.

"Come, Kate. Come for me." Panting. Shivering. Collapse. Settling her body firmly back against Caroline, keeping her inside as long as she could.

Trust. Flesh on flesh.


	2. Chapter 2

"What was it like?" Casually, over tea in the sitting room as they watched the evening news.

"You want to talk about it? Now? After all this time?" She was surprised, but otherwise her voice remained level. "I tried to talk to you, Caroline, after Christmas."

"I know ..." Truth be told, she still wasn't sure she wanted to know. "I just wasn't ready to go there." She laughed ironically. "Christ, that's the story of my life, isn't it?"

"You really want to know?"

"If you still want to tell me." She reached out for Kate's hand.

* * *

Certain things you could do by memory, she thought, as she came into Greg's room for the night. Muscle memory, they called it.

And in truth it was fine, it gave her pleasure. It had been so long since she had been with him, and they were by virtue of age different people, but there was still a distant familiarity that allowed it all to unfold relatively easily. But it was different, too - she wanted and expected something entirely different out of this than she ever had from sex with him before. This was like being with Richard again - kind, gentle, but ultimately sad and angry Richard. The tears started right as things came to their conclusion.

"Hey, hey," he soothed. "It's alright. You'll be fine on your own. You don't need her." He didn't mean it unkindly; he thought he was saying the right thing.

She pushed him off her. "You don't understand anything." She got out of bed, gathered her things and headed back to her room.

"Kate. I didn't mean anything. Come back. We don't have to do anything else. Come back to bed. You're not supposed to jump out of bed and run around, you know. You're supposed to lie there a while."

But she was already out the door, on the way down the hall. Somehow she still hadn't managed to escape that sex farce from the 1970s.

* * *

Caroline looked confused. "You were sad for Richard?"

"I was, yes."

"But not for me. Not for us." Caroline sat up now. She continued to hold Kate's hand, but lightened her grip.

"I thought of all those times we tried. With such hope. And in the beginning, such passion. But by the end, it was like it was with Greg, just a mechanical -well, biological- act. There was care, there was some kind of love, but it was so different from what it used to be."

Caroline sniffed suddenly, and tossed her head so that Kate wouldn't see the tears that had begun to fill her eyes. Why on earth had she insisted on asking this, now?

"Well, I'm glad, I guess. Not at how you felt. But I am glad that he cared for you. That he tried to be kind to you. I'm glad of that, I guess."

* * *

She woke in the same position she had fallen asleep in, her legs raised over a pile of pillows. She had strange, unfocussed dreams -mostly about Caroline, she was sure- and woke feeling tired and unsettled.

How strange it was, she thought, how unfair. How she could keep having sex with Richard, long after she stopped really loving him, and it could still produce pregnancies. How she could sleep with Greg, whom she had never really loved in that way, and possibly end up pregnant. How easy it was to do that, how little it satisfied her, yet how great the consequences.

But Caroline. What both of them went through to get to that first electric moment in Kate's bedroom, that moment of absolute connection. A moment so intense that all Kate had to do was close her eyes and she could still feel every contour of Caroline's body, could feel the softness of her lips all over her body, could feel them inside each other. How profound that had been. And what would come out of it? No baby. Just angry words over a breakfast table. It should have been so much more than that.

She couldn't shake the feeling that it had worked last night, that she was pregnant. And as happy as that made her, or would once she knew she was safely past 12 weeks, she couldn't escape one fundamental conclusion.

* * *

"I blew it, Caroline. I really blew it."

"What do you mean?"

"Part of me decided to sleep with Greg that night because I knew how much it would hurt you. I was so angry at you, and I wanted to hurt you."

Caroline winced, and couldn't help but let the bitter words tumble out. "Clearly. Since you thought more about your ex-husband than you did about me."

"But once it was done, I couldn't stay there. He was kind, but I couldn't stay. I went back to my room and fell asleep. I had the strangest dreams. And when I woke up, I knew it had worked. I knew I was pregnant. And all I could think of was you, here with me in this room 8 months ago now, saying that it was one thing that I couldn't get pregnant with you but quite another to do it this way. And I thought of all the love and passion and trust that happened between the two of us in bed, and I was horribly sad that I hadn't listened and that it wouldn't be your baby too. So that, Caroline, is what it was like. Christ, what a way to bring a child into the world." Her voice cracked, and she lay back down on the couch against Caroline.

* * *

By the time they stirred again, the tea was long cold and the house shrouded in darkness.

"I think perhaps we shouldn't talk about this again," Caroline began.

"Well, you asked -" Kate's voice rose.

"I know. I know. But what I mean is, rather than always thinking about how she was conceived, I think we should think more about how we welcome this baby in a month's time, how we treat her."

Kate calmed, and reached for Caroline's hand. "Our baby."

"Our baby. She's going to need a name. We need to talk about that."

"I had quite the list, you know. I recited it to Celia once. But I've narrowed it down. You know those dreams I had? They were all about Queen Victoria, bossing everyone around. I think it was actually you..."


	3. Chapter 3

John sat in the car, having dropped Lawrence back home after his rugby match.

"Could I talk to you for a moment?" She stood in the gravel drive, in jeans and an old linen shirt of his. Christ. You'd have think she'd have burned it given how viciously they had treated each other in the last two years.

But things between them had been easier, if rather sad, since the divorce had come through. And after Kate had come back -pregnant of all things!- they had reached some kind of truce.

"Sure."

"Do you want to come in? I can't really say it out here in the driveway."

He paused, looked around. "Kate home?"

"No, she's at the shops. But she wouldn't mind, John. Kate's one of the grown-ups. Not like us, sometimes." She smiled hesitantly at him. It didn't matter how over it was; that wry, reluctant smile always did him in just a bit - a reminder not just of how good it had once been, but also a kind of rebuke at just how badly he had fucked it all up. And still a very strong stab of attraction.

He got up out of the car and followed his ex-wife into what used to be their house, passing the old cat in the hallway and bending down to scratch its head. Out of habit, it arched up against his hand, and he sighed heavily for everything he had lost.

* * *

"Well, that's pretty awkward, Caroline. And not exactly what I expected."

"John, you are the only person I know who's had to do it ... well, the only person I could talk to about it."

"You were there too, Caroline. Both times! It couldn't actually have happened without you. You must remember how it happened." John was anxious now; he didn't want to have this talk. It was too close, too personal; it pulled up too many memories - some of them so strong he could feel them.

"Yes, of course I _remember_, John. But that isn't the point, is it?" There she was: glorious, snotty Caroline. "The point is, I want to know how _you_ did it. Because for the life of me, I can't figure out how I'm going to. And I'm bloody terrified."

* * *

"I was such a small part of what was happening, Caroline. Half an hour in bed, and that was it. A good half hour, mind you... " God, he could still remember what it felt like to have sex with her, the way she could wrap herself around him and give herself completely over. How different a person she was in bed, how out of control, how magnificent, really.

"John-" She really didn't want to go there.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. Inappropriate. What I mean is, anyone could have done that bit." He couldn't help but wonder how this new baby of theirs had come about. "But I realized that what I could do -what only I could do, really- was to be strong for you when it got bad." And it had gotten bad, especially with Lawrence. He had been a big bloke, Lawrence.

"But how, John? How could you not be terrified about what might happen to me, to the babies ... how could you stand to see and hear me in pain like that? And you remained so calm, so gentle, so kind. To me." He was surprised to hear that her voice was on the verge of cracking.

"Because I knew that it wasn't about me, Caroline. It was about you."

She looked at him in wonder. "I know what it's going to feel like for her, John, and I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it. That I'll run out of the room in tears, and Kate will be left on her own. Or worse, that her mother will have to take over and that will just confirm that I'm not a worthy partner ..."

"Oh, don't worry about that Caroline. You've just said it yourself, I was an excellent birthing partner, and that did nothing to endear me to Celia."

That smile again. Jesus.

"I was able to do it because I love- because I loved you, Caroline."

There was such an overwhelming sadness in her eyes when she looked back at him that it found it hard to breath. He dropped his head and a small sob escaped.

She reached across the couch for his hand, and he continued to talk.

When he was finished, she was still holding his hand, ever so lightly.

"Thank you, John. For everything that was good. And that was a lot. For a long time."

"Just not enough."

"No. Not enough." She squeezed his hand tightly, and let it go.

* * *

"Did you have your talk with John?" They were in bed, lying on their sides, Caroline enveloping Kate as usual, tucked tightly behind her with her arm around her middle, her cool hand resting gently against a belly that rippled with little movements.

"It was odd. He was like the old John. The John I loved."

"That sounds so strange to me. To hear you say you loved him. I never saw any of that. Which I guess it good, because if I had, I wouldn't have made my move." Kate laughed. "I hope the John you loved doesn't continue to visit, though. I wouldn't like that very much." Slightly anxious now.

Caroline was silent. "No, that's long gone. But it was good, I think, to be reminded that that William and Lawrence really did come out of love. Our marriage was so awful at the end, Kate, even before he left, that it was hard to believe it had ever been anything other than that. I remember screaming at John one day that our marriage was over, redundant; that it never was. But today I remembered that it wasn't true. Some good things came out of it. Just not enough." She curled in tighter and kissed the back of Kate's neck.

They lay in silence for a few minutes, Caroline continuing to trace a gentle path around Kate's belly. "Victoria is coming here out of love, Kate. You loved her into being. And I had no idea but I loved her too, from the moment I saw her on that ultrasound. From the moment you told me you were pregnant, if I'm honest. So please don't ever think that Victoria isn't here out of love."

Kate stopped Caroline's hand and pulled her arm more tightly around her. "What did John tell you, anyway?"

"He said that he was able to do it because he loved me. He actually had a hard time using the past tense." She could feel Kate stiffen, ever so faintly. Why do these old relationships have such a hold on us, she wondered.

"It's ok, Kate. He corrected himself. And then he said something that blew me away. He said it was clear how much I loved you. And that I would be able to do that for you just as he had for me."

"Do you believe him?"

"I'm still scared. But yes."

"That's good. Because I'm not sure you're going to have to wait too much longer."

Caroline leaped from the bed. "I'll get you some clothes. Stay calm."

"Come back here. Not yet. Not tonight. Unless what I'm going to ask you to do next happens to speed things up."

Kate held out her arms, and Caroline folded herself down into them, wrapped in warmth.


	4. Chapter 4

"You're laughing now, but it's been known to happen ..." Caroline smiled as she pulled herself away from Kate's deep kiss. "It was how we coaxed William into the world."

Kate urged her closer, running her hands along Caroline's hips and reaching for her. "I like the thought of you pregnant. But I think we've talked enough about John tonight. I'd prefer to think of me making love to you."

Caroline gasped as Kate found her. "I thought this was about you. I thought you wanted me to ..." Unable to finish her thought, she threw her head back just as Kate's mouth grazed her breast. "Oh. Kate. Oh my God." All of a sudden, faster than she had ever known it happen, she was completely overwhelmed.

"Oh, I do Caroline. I do want you to."

* * *

That had indeed been how William arrived. His birth had been painful but relatively quick, and John had, as Caroline remembered, been the epitome of support, holding her up when she needed it, rubbing her back and gently encouraging her.

Lawrence was something else all together. He had to be coaxed -what a euphemism, she thought- into delivery position. She tried not to think about it but it was a physical memory that was impossible to shake. And there was John again, sitting by her side, holding her hand and soothing her forehead as she screamed in agony. He was as white as a sheet but he held it together for her, benignly absorbing or deflecting whatever came out of her mouth and calmly urging her on. When Lawrence finally arrived, red-faced and squalling, they had both burst into tears.

* * *

"Caroline. Caroline. Wake up." A sudden urgency in Kate's voice. "Caroline."

She blinked her eyes, tried to focus and emerge from her exhausting dreams, rose up to lean on her elbow. "What time is it?"

"Quarter to seven."

Caroline flopped back down, tried to snuggle back into Kate, but Kate wasn't there.

"Caroline, WAKE UP." Firmer now.

"Caroline, I think it worked." An excited hitch in her voice.

The covers went flying as Caroline burst out of bed, propelling herself across the room to where a fresh change of clothes -ready for over a week now- lay neatly folded on a chair. She quickly pulled them on and grabbed the small suitcase that sat beside the chair.

"OK, we're ready, I'll call our Mums and the boys from - " she was stopped by the sound of laughter from the other side of the room.

"Oh, you didn't." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously and she tilted her head as she looked across the room at Kate, who was sitting on the bed and laughing uncontrollably.

"Just testing your reflexes. But since you're up, I'd love a cup of tea."

* * *

Wrapped in sweaters against the slight morning chill, they sat in the garden watching April do its work - daffodils and tulips nodding in the side beds and wisteria spreading everywhere along the back wall.

Kate sipped her tea. "I'd have thought that would drive you crazy," she said, pointing to a sea of crocus popping up through out the grass. "I'd have thought you'd want that lawn all neat and tidy."

"No, I like the way they naturalize and take over everything for a while. It's all in balance. They'll die back, the grass will do fine. And the daffs and tulips will die down too to let the perennials come in. You'll get to watch it all unfold while I'm at school. Your summer of leisure."

"Oh, is that what they call life at home with your first baby? Anyway, I'll have you home at the end of term. It'll be your summer of nappies."

Caroline stood up, reached out her hand to help Kate up. "Come on, let's go in. It's still a bit chilly. We should get planning for dinner, anyway." The family were coming for Easter dinner.

Kate took her hand and stretched to get up, but stopped, breathing sharply. "Oh."

"What? Kate, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm a little scared, but I'm fine." She looked up at Caroline, her eyes bright with a shimmer of tears. "I think you'd better put that leg of lamb in the freezer, Caroline. I think what you did last night really did work ..."

* * *

"Now? What about dinner? Honestly, Kate. You always have had interesting timing." Celia fussed about the kitchen as Caroline and Kate prepared to leave.

"Mum!"

"Oh, go on with you, Caroline. Kate knows that I'm teasing. It's true, though, Kate, you certainly know how to make a family occasion interesting." She smiled at her daughter's partner with a mixture of reserve and affection. "Dinner is under control. Kate's mum is still coming, I called her already to check. Gillian and her crowd are on their way over. We'll all be here waiting for the news."

"Not all. We're going with you." Lawrence had loaded up the car, and stood defiantly in the hallway with his elder brother.

"Boys, it will be a long wait..." Caroline tried to dissuade them.

"We're coming. We want to be there when our sister is born." William this time, adamant.

Kate watched this all unfold around her, slightly overwhelmed by the wave of familial affection. How did this happen; how did Celia and Lawrence change? When had they become a family? Tears pricked at her eyes. Caroline, organizing the boys, didn't see it, but Celia did, and she moved across the room to Kate, taking her hand.

"Ahh, love, you'll be fine. Don't you worry. You'll be a champ and our Caroline won't be useless." She reached up and kissed her on the cheek. "Now, all of you get out of here. I've a joint to roast."

"Medium rare, Mum - that's a bloody good leg of free range salt marsh lamb. Don't ruin it!"

And with that, they were out the door.

* * *

It was a nicer room than the one she remembered. Softer furnishings, calmer colours. A large tub, which Kate had laid in for some time, letting the bubbling water soothe her aching back and ease the pain of the contractions.

But now she was back in the birthing bed, and 5 hours in, almost ready. She had been remarkably calm and focussed the entire time, for the most part easily breathing through the pain. But now, knowing she would soon have to deliver, something else took over and she started to panic. Caroline wiped her face with a cool cloth, held her hand, and kissed her cheek. "There's nothing to be afraid of, love. Nothing."

"That's not true, Caroline, you bloody well know that's not true." She spit out the words.

"It's gong to hurt Kate, it's really going to hurt, but that will stop, and I promise you it will be worth it."

"Anything could happen, Caroline. She could get stuck. Her cord could get caught." She gasped this out in the midst of a wave of contractions.

"Shhhh, no, that won't happen. Look at all these brilliant people here with us. They won't let that happen."

"She could die, Caroline. Like the rest of them." She sobbed now, and another wave hit her.

"Kate, look up at the monitor." The firm, compassionate voice of the delivery nurse. "She's doing very well. We're going to watch that, and you're going to help her out in just a few minutes, and then Caroline here will deliver her. You're going to hold her in your arms very soon. Now, I want you to sit up a bit, and Caroline's going to help you out." She nodded at Caroline, who moved up to kneel behind Kate, and wrapped her arms around her, holding her up as Kate pushed.

It was the loudest, rawest sound she had ever heard come out of this beautiful, delicate woman.

Kate felt like her body was coming apart. But there, behind her, holding her together, Caroline. Calm, kind, strong Caroline. This wave over, she let her body go slack and relaxed against her lover.

Then, another powerful urge to push. "Easy, Kate, easy," that voice again. "Caroline, we need you to come here now so that you can deliver your daughter. She's just about ready to meet her mums."

"Caroline..."

"It's alright love, I'm right here," Caroline whispered as, in a fluid movement, she moved away from Kate and another nurse slipped in to take her place. She paused to touch Kate's face and placed a gentle kiss on her lips before settling herself in front of the delivery nurse to receive the baby.

"One more push, Kate. One big push."

And there she was.

* * *

"Oh, Kate." Caroline was in tears as she brought the baby up to Kate's chest and laid her there, skin on skin. She struggled for words but couldn't find them.

So she sat there on the bed with them, watching as Kate inspected every inch of her child. Fingers, toes, wrinkly little ears. Skin the colour of latte, a thin buzz of not-quite-black hair, tempered with ginger, she thought with a laugh, just like her brothers.

She finally found the words. "You did it, Kate. You did it."

Kate looked up at her, eyes shining. "We did it Caroline, we have a daughter." She patted the spot in the bed beside her, and Caroline lay down next to her.

"Our boys are in the lounge," Kate said to the nurse. "Could someone let them know their sister is here?"


	5. Chapter 5

Caroline walked around the hospital room, efficiently gathering and packing up their belongings, as Kate sat nursing Victoria.

"We should make some plans for the summer, don't you think? Nothing too adventurous, just a little change of scenery. If you're anything like I was, you'll want a bit of a break."

"I had an idea, actually." Kate turned and looked at her. "I thought maybe a trip to Cornwall, a little cottage by the seaside. After it's all done."

"Cornwall sounds lovely. After all what's done? I promise not to bring next term's prep work home with me."

"No, not school. The wedding."

Silence as Caroline finished folding clothes into suitcase.

"Wedding ..." Caroline's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Are you having me on?"

"Not at all." Kate had gotten out of her chair by now, and crossed the room. She leaned forward and kissed Caroline so gently their lips barely seemed to touch. "I was hoping you'd make an honest woman out of me, Caroline. I was hoping you'd marry me."

* * *

"Are you alright with that, Lawrence? Because if you're not, if you're not ready, if William isn't ready, I'll wait."

"William won't mind. William will be happy." He was less forthcoming about his own feelings.

"I love her, Lawrence, you know that, don't you?"

"Yes ... but why are you even asking me this?"

"Because I know how much you love her too, and I need ... I _want_ your blessing before I ask your mother to marry me."

Sitting in the chair next to Kate's bed, he looked at her, and then at Victoria, cradled in her arms. He reached out to touch his sister's warm, soft head, and took a breath before saying what he needed to say next.

* * *

Gobsmacked, Caroline clamped her hand over her mouth. And said nothing.

A small frisson of worry passed across Kate's expectant face. All this talk about their former marriages these past few weeks, Caroline's memories of the good John, "the John I loved ..." Surely nothing had changed? Even as the thought crossed her mind, she recalled the other powerful emotions of the last 72 hours -her sudden epiphany as they left for the hospital, the bond cemented between them by Victoria's birth- and dismissed it for the foolishness that it was.

"Caroline? We're waiting for an answer." Kate looked at her beseechingly.

An enormous grin, glistening eyes. "How could you think it would be anything other than yes? Yes, yes!" And in a flash she wrapped Kate and Victoria in her arms, alternating kisses between the baby's fuzzy head and Kate's pliant, welcoming lips.

"I'm going to have to tell the boys right this time around," Caroline said thoughtfully. "Together. William will be happy. Lawrence will be all right, I think, but still. I don't think he'll be expecting it."

* * *

Kate looked at him, patiently but expectantly.

"My dad never asked for my blessing to tear apart our family," he said in his plain, direct manner. "And sorry, but Mum didn't ask my blessing to go all gay." He paused. "And none of you asked us anything about having a baby. Two, actually, I suppose."

"That's why I'm asking now. Because you haven't had a choice in any of this, and if this is going to be permanent, really permanent, then I want you to. I'd like us to be in on it together from now on. I'd like us to build a new family, the five of us. I think you do too. Why else would you have wanted to be here today?"

He nodded. But she could see there was still something there, something he couldn't let go of, couldn't quite speak out loud.

"Lawrence?"

Haltingly: "You're not going to hurt her again? You're not going to leave her?" There it was.

She answered him thoughtfully, honestly. "I want to spend the rest of my life with your Mum. I think she wants that too. And I will do my best never to hurt her again. That's really all I can promise you, Lawrence. And I do promise you that."

The whole time, he had been looking at Victoria. But now he lifted his soft brown eyes and looked right at Kate. "Okay."

"I have your blessing?"

"That's pretty old-fashioned, but yes."

She grinned at him. "I could kiss you, you know."

"Don't get carried away, _Ms McKenzie._" He laughed, happily. Genuinely.

And then, in a whirlwind, Caroline and William were back into the room. "Everyone's been called!" Caroline exclaimed, "We can expect the hordes to start descending any moment." She paused at the scene before her. "What have you three been up to?"

"Nothing." Typical Lawrence, Caroline thought.

"Oh, just chatting. Just sorting a few things." Kate looked up at them, smiling at William over Caroline's head.

"Excellent," the eldest Elliot son said. "Excellent."

* * *

They walked up to the house, Kate with the baby. William and Lawrence met them at the door, taking the suitcase and large basket of flowers from Caroline's hands and carrying them up to her and Kate's room.

"Boys, come down to the kitchen when you're done. I -Kate and I- want to talk to you about something."

As Kate settled herself in one of the armchairs by the kitchen window, Caroline leaned in for a kiss, then stood back with a thoughtful look on her face.

"What will we be called once we're married? Spouses? _Wives_?"

"Wives sounds a little odd to me. I was Richard's wife. You were John's wife. Let's just be us."

"Mmmmm." She leaned in again.

* * *

"Hey, Mum." Perhaps a little louder than necessary. "What do you need to talk to us about?" Lawrence came into the kitchen and headed straight for the fridge. "I am _starving_."

William followed him in and stood at the counter, looking at Caroline.

"Well. I have some news -Kate and I have some news- that we want to tell you. I want to do it right this time - the last time I tried to tell you something this important I botched it all up - well, I don't suppose I actually TOLD you, did I? It's more like it all blew up, isn't it?"

"Caroline, sweetheart, you're rambling." A quiet observation from the green armchair.

"Right." She looked up into William's patient gaze. "Lawrence, would you please get your head out of the refrigerator!"

She drew a deep breath. "Kate has asked me to marry her, and I said -"

"Yes, of course." Lawrence's plain speech from behind the fridge door.

Damn it, she should have waited; she should have been more sensitive to her tough but tender-hearted youngest son. He had come an awfully long way in a few months but perhaps she was expecting too much.

"I hope so, anyway, otherwise this is wasted." Finally finished his explorations, Lawrence pulled a bottle of champagne out of the fridge, and with a huge grin splitting his broad face, made a valiant effort to uncork it.

"What? You know? You cheeky things. All of you!" Caroline shot a look across the room, and held her arms out wide. The boys walked into her embrace as Kate beamed at them from the armchair.

"Now you just have to tell Granny ..."


	6. Chapter 6

She lay in bed, Victoria beside her, drifting off after a feeding. They would lie here like this until Caroline came up, gathered the baby in her arms and placed her in the cot.

Six months back together now, and in many ways it seemed they had never been apart. With one touch, the previous six months of emptiness could disappear. Hands and lips knew instinctively where to go, what to do, how to bring pleasure in a sudden rush or a long slow burn. One tentative question, answered with enormous patience and a grace that neither of them had ever before truly displayed for each other, and another brick in the edifice of pain and anger that they had built began to crumble and fall. A tiny, perfect child between them, pulling them back in sync whenever things seemed wobbly.

And tomorrow, it would all be sealed in marriage.

* * *

Kate had found herself alone in the house with Celia on New Year's Day. It was as good a time as any to try and get an answer to the questions that had been running around her head for more than a week.

"Why did you ask me to play, Celia? And why did you invite me to the reception?"

"It's like I told Caroline, love, I didn't know anyone else who could play the Queen of Sheba and then it hardly seemed fair not to invite you for the meal and speeches." It was a practiced response that didn't invite further exploration; Kate realized just where Caroline got her ability to explain, to rationalize, anything. To bring an end to the conversation.

Celia sipped her tea. "And the dancing, of course," she added meaningfully.

But Kate wasn't willing to let it go. "We both know the hotel could have found you a pianist."

Celia looked at her, levelly. "I'm like my daughter, Kate. I know what I want. I'm just a little bit better than she is at getting it. That's all." She reached across and patted Kate's hand. "Though I have to say, when you left so early ..."

Kate was stunned into silence. It was, she knew, the closest she would ever get to a confession of Celia's motives.

"Now, when do you suppose Lady Muck will be home, and what extravaganza do you suppose she has planned for dinner?"

* * *

She watched as Caroline did a final circuit of the kitchen, stacking the last few items in the dishwasher, needlessly swiping a cloth across the already clean counter.

"That was a delicious dinner. But it's time for bed." She was rather surprised at her own directness. But she was also tired of tentativeness. It was a New Year, after all. She reached for Caroline's hand and led her towards the stairs. A small kiss. "After you."

Caroline looked quizzically at her, then headed up. Kate followed, her eyes on Caroline the whole time.

* * *

When Kate had finally asked to her to on Christmas morning, Caroline had made love to her with an urgency, with a fierce gentleness that both asked and bestowed forgiveness. But as they lay together afterwards and Kate reached for her, she had demurred. "I'm not sure I can. Yet." She dropped her head, embarrassed to admit it. Kate kissed her forehead, letting her breathe.

"Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about .." Caroline placed her fingers over Kate's lips before she could say his name, before she could say "that night."

"Not now. Not yet."

"From the moment you first kissed me, I have never belonged to anyone but you, Caroline."

She shivered at Kate's words, moved closer, and let her in. Just a little bit.

* * *

They walked into the bedroom. "Caroline. Take your clothes off. Turn around." As she did, Kate reached out and pulled her in, running her hand through Caroline's hair, along her cheekbones and down her neck, just brushing the top of her cleavage.

She bent slightly, pressing her lips against Caroline's neck and making the smallest, gentlest bites as her hands explored her breasts, holding their fullness and teasing them with thumb and forefinger. It was like a bolt of electricity and Caroline felt her lower half spasm uncontrollably, almost automatically.

"Kate."

"I need you to let me back in, Caroline. I need to be closer to you."

And then, lips and teeth on her breasts, a hand reaching in between her legs to tease, tease, then move away, lingering at the edge. Kate pulled back and looked Caroline in the eye.

"I want to make love to you Caroline. I want you in my mouth." And she was pushing Caroline backwards now, onto the edge of the bed, mentally figuring out the mechanics of what she wanted to do in the condition she was in. She pushed her back and knelt on the floor before the edge of the bed, leaning in.

Her mouth, nibbling, licking, biting her most delicate flesh. Caroline pushed herself forward, ramping up to an almost unbearable pleasure, and then tried to pull back.

"Kate, you can't ... do this." She tried to move away but strong arms held her in place. Kate paused for a moment. "You don't like this? You don't want this? Please tell me that isn't true."

"It's just ... you need to be careful. You musn't hurt yourself."

"This doesn't hurt me, Caroline. Please don't use that as an excuse to hold me back any more." Her mouth again on soft, warm flesh. Then another pause. "What hurt me was ... is ... not being this close to you." And, sensing a sighed acknowledgement of want and need, she moved in closer, pulling Caroline's legs over her shoulders.

"Oh my God, Kate."

Kissing her there, deeper, more powerfully than anything Caroline had ever experienced. And then, almost before she could register it was happening, there it was. She lay back, panting, as Kate pulled herself up onto the bed and held her shaking body.

"I have missed you so much, Caroline."

* * *

She felt Victoria's warmth being slowly pulled away, heard the faintest of lullabies and then all of a sudden she felt the warmth of that pale, soft, and surprisingly strong body as Caroline slipped into the bed beside her.

"Caroline... aren't we supposed to sleep apart tonight?" Kate murmured. "It's tradition, isn't it?"

"Let me in, love. Let me in."


	7. Chapter 7

"Good morning, love." Spoken softly against a tangle of blond hair. "Big day."

"Big day." Caroline rolled over and snuggled into Kate, stealing a few moments before Victoria stirred. She ran her fingers along the smooth contours of her face.

They lay there, looking at and touching each other gently for some time, until Caroline broke the silence. "Did you ever read that Stevie Smith poem in school?"

"The one about the drowned man? Of course."

"It struck me the other day; that's been me, floundering around out there, my whole life. And you were the only one who ever noticed that I wasn't waving, but drowning."

"It's a good thing I'm a strong swimmer, then, isn't it?"

* * *

It felt so ... vulnerable, standing here in her parents' beautiful garden, in front of everyone. Everyone's eyes on the two of them. Slightly nerve-wracking. Had it felt like this the first time?

She couldn't remember.

She did remember the look on his beautiful face, how earnest he was. How hopeful.

* * *

A Saturday in late June. A perfect day for wedding errands. The sunshine was warm on their shoulders; Victoria, in the baby carrier, was warm against Caroline's chest.

"Tea? Or a cool drink? We could pop into Betty's," Kate suggested, and then turned at the sound of someone calling her name.

"Good Lord. It's Richard. I haven't seen him in almost two years." She spoke lowly to Caroline as a tall, blond man with strong features strode towards them.

"Richard, hello."

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "It's been a long time, Kate. This must be ..." A wry smile as he turned to Caroline to say hello, and then visibly started when he saw the baby, her hair and skin colour.

"My partner, Caroline. ... And our daughter, Victoria." She said this last bit kindly and gently, reaching out to touch his arm. "I'm sorry. I should have told you. I meant to write to you."

His voice took on an edge, not mean, but an edge. "Well, Kate. You did it. You have everything we ever wanted. Congratulations."

Caroline looked into his sad, proud face, and knew every emotion that lay behind that last word.

* * *

"Do you have a thing for blondes, Kate?" Caroline was joking, but she had been rather taken aback by the similarities -not just physically, but also in manner and sensibility- between her and Richard.

"You, my love, are really a ginger." Kate smiled as she sipped her tea.

"You seem to have a thing for them, too!" Caroline couldn't help but point out the obvious.

"I guess I've just been looking for the right one. Practice makes perfect." She leaned across the cafe table and kissed Caroline.

And Caroline kissed her back.

* * *

This was amazing. This felt _nothing_ like it had the last time. She was nervous standing before their families but it was so different from how it had been at Magdalen Chapel.

His kind, slightly disheveled face looking over at her, silently assuring her that it would be fine, it would be fun. If only he knew.

The complicated smile on her mother's face. She could read her mind: "At least this settles that other business."

* * *

"Tell Granny _what_?" Celia and Alan came into the kitchen. "I hope you don't mind us walking in, love. We just saw you were home from the hospital ..."

"And we wanted to see our Victoria, didn't we love?" Alan headed towards Kate and the baby.

"What's all this, then? Champagne?" Celia looked nonplussed.

"A celebration!" Caroline began brightly. "Mum, we, ... ummm, Kate and I ... we're ..." She trailed off. Damn it. Why did this always happen?

William and Lawrence looked on awkwardly, not sure how to help their faltering mother when, suddenly, Kate spoke up.

"I've asked Caroline to marry me, Celia, and she said yes."

"You _WHAT_?!" The look of incomprehension on Celia's face was like nothing any of them had ever seen before. The kitchen fell silent.

* * *

"Kate and I are getting married. In July, after term ends." Caroline had regained her composure, and spoke evenly. "And before you ask, the boys are fine about it. Kate asked them before she asked me."

Celia looked at her grandsons, who were standing almost protectively on either side of their mother, and then back to Caroline.

"_Kate_ asked _you_?"

"Yes, why?" Kate this time. " She really had no idea where this conversation was going. No one did, except perhaps Celia.

"It's just not what you would expect, is it? Here I was thinking it would be Caroline doing the asking. But I suppose you're a bit more sensible than she is most of the time anyway."

"Mum!" Caroline didn't know which part of Celia's outburst stunned her more.

"I read the paper, you know. Even the Daily Mail covers it." Celia smirked at her daughter. "I think I'm handling this a far sight better than you handled my engagement."

"Oh, Mum ..." Caroline's eyes filled with tears as Celia took her hands.

"Will there be dancing at your wedding, love? Alan and I will be wanting to have a good snog in front of everyone."

* * *

"Ready?"

"Ready." She reached out for Kate's hand, and they looked towards where William and Lawrence stood at the bottom of the rose garden path. Victoria was snuggled into the crook of Lawrence's arm.

"Look at Lawrence, will you?" she whispered. "He's a deft hand with that baby. If I'd have known that ..."

"Oh please, don't let my mind go there, Caroline. Not today!" They squeezed hands tightly, and walked forward together.

* * *

"With my body I honour you; all that I am I give to you; and all that I have I share with you." It was almost dizzying but then she felt the steadying grip of Kate's hand and the warmth of the ring -a delicate weaving of white and yellow gold, studded through with rubies- slip onto her finger, into the space that had lain bare for so long.

And she found herself, through tears, repeating those words, those actions, sliding the ring onto Kate's slender hand. An enormous sigh of relief escaped Kate's lips as Caroline pushed the ring over her knuckle, filling that empty space. A ghost of a whisper echoing in both their heads: "From the moment you first kissed me, I have never belonged to anyone but you."

A pronouncement from the officiant; an invitation to kiss. And as they slowly pulled away from each other, a knowledge that these rings, their familiar weight in that familiar space would somehow always feel different -more complete- than what had been there before. A different muscle memory.

They turned and looked out at their family - their beautiful, complicated family that had shown such a capacity for love, for change.

That had understood, above everything else, that the heart is a muscle, with enormous room for stretching, and had stretched with it.

* * *

**_Finis. Thanks especially to "Tangoed up" for giving words to the image I wanted to end this on._**


End file.
